i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
