I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
