Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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