you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
