I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
