I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
