Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
