I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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