i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
