apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
