My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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