can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
