girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
