New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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