I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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