apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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