I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
