Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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