Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
