You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
