is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
