that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
