i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
