He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
well you can't waste a boner
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
