I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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