no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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