my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
