I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i love accidental penises.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
