I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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