I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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