i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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