i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
