Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
