You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
