my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
