the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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