break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
