This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
being pregnant is like rehab
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
