if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
