just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
