I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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