can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
