i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
