I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
