dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
