I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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