Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
