I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
