I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
