I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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