Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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