Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
