Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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