you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
