I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
