I skipped work to stalk him.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
