I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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