Whoa Z and x make the same sound
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
