I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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